Thursday, February 7, 2013

Don't lose sight

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Don't lose sight...
The biggest lesson this last year has been is to not lose sight.  Don't lose sight of who you are, don't lose sight of who God is, and don't lose sight of who you are becoming.

Don't lose sight of who you are...
When we lose sight of who we are that's when the enemy can come in and have full reign in our minds and start using his terms to define who we are.  It doesn't matter how close you think you are to the Lord or how many Bible scriptures you know, when you have lost yourself in your plan purpose and destiny within the body of Christ that's when we take matters into our own hands (or hand the reigns over to the enemy).  We start to find things from the world that offer us some kind of identity satisfaction.  These things aren't always bad... for me I had lost sight of my identity and looked to mommyhood to fill that need that the Lord was trying to grab my attention to fill, but I was blinded by my new found search for identity.  Having another baby for most is not an issue but when I was so desperately looking for that baby to fill that identity within me that's when the Lord needed to intervene.  He got my attention all right and after 4 months of trying to get pregnant and having my closest friends become pregnant we got offered a ministry position at our church.  Finally everything that I had once before desired was coming to life and I couldn't be happy I was mourning the loss of this new identity (or child) that I never had.  Little did I know that the Lord had me on a sweet journey that would end up in the end revealing to me the most love and true perfect identity that one could ever hope for.

Don't lose sight of who God is...
I lost sight of who God was in my life.  Before this identity crisis I thought the Lord and I walked sooo close and I knew Him intimately.  After this crisis I began to lose sight that God loved me.  I felt ignored, I felt like the ugly step child that always got the left overs.  I felt that I was only meant to serve the Lord and work for Him.  It was the real Cinderella story without the Prince charming to rescue (so I thought).  In the midst of this my mom gets diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer... what???  Really Lord.  Needless to say this did nothing for my journey of finding who God was and wanted to be in my life.  Nothings seemed absolute anymore and a person that never dealt with fear began to believe the Lord would continue to take away everything in my life until their was nothing left (friends, family, husband, kids... this was a deep fear and a very lonely journey)  The Lord and I had some very candid conversations about His ugliness towards me.  Those brutal conversations I believe allowed me to get to where I am now.

Don't lose sight of who you are becoming...
To be honest I didn't care who I was becoming.  I got so tired of people that I loved tell me it's all for His greater good and it would be over soon.  That's nice and that's what I would tell someone who was in my situation, but it was the furthest thing from my mind.  It brought NO comfort.  Looking back it was because i didn't want to see who I was becoming because the person I thought I was becoming was so tainted with the lies of hell.  I thought God was mean and just wanted me to serve Him and only Him.  He is a jealous God right?  He no longer gives things and blesses he only takes away.  My purpose in life is only to serve with no satisfaction within life, because the one thing I thought He wanted me to do is the only thing that will give me satisfaction and joy.  I was stuck and fighting full surrender because surrendering now looked like bondage to someone that was mean and cruel.  

Walking away in ALMOST complete healing I have been able to see God's sweet moments within trial.  I needed to go through those moments to KNOW that I am right where I am supposed to be within ministry.  It took 9 months of pain and torture to see Gods sweet plan.  Everything in my life has changed because of it.  Friendships have shifted, I have freedom, hope and most of all my identity back within Christs definition.  Not to say pain isn't still their... I don't know that you can experience that kind of pain for that long without times of slip ups but the Lord has become my new best friend with a new deeper trust and love.  I now praise God daily for the blessing of ministry and freedom to minister freely to these students.  God sure does know what He is doing.  So even when we lose sight of His hands within our situation know the Lords fingerprints are still all over it, we just need to be in a position to see. 

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